CLAIRVOYANT, n. A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to her patron – namely that he is a blockhead.The Devil’s Dictionary
If you read my books or this website then you probably know two things about me:
- I’m fascinated by psychics
- I don’t believe a word they say
That might seem like a contradiction, but it isn’t when you understand why they are so fascinating. Psychics are walking, talking, cognitive biases. And they have fun hair-dos to boot. As a psychologist I just find them compelling in the same way an electrician finds your uncle’s daisy-chained outdoor Christmas lights hard to look away from. And it isn’t just me that is fascinated with them. A 2018 Pew Poll found that roughly a quarter of Americans believe in psychics.
That is stunning.
To put that into context, a 2014 poll found that only 1 in 5 Americans believe the Big Bang happened. That’s right. More people believe what the Long Island Medium has to say than believe a foundational theory of modern physics with mountains of evidence behind it.
So yeah, it’s a whole thing.
While I don’t have the hair to get away with it, last year I tried my hand at psychic predictions. Here are a few I made:
A new-age apparel company will take over the yoga pants market: Q-AMom.
Sadly Q-AMom never took off but the bizarre cross-fertilization of the wellness industry and QAnon is not only still happening, it is stronger than ever. Just take a peek at anything by J.P. Sears to see just how weird it is getting…
Post-quarantine business wear will be a jacket and tie with sweatpants.
This one kind of happened. Sure, we all wear our button up shirts for work in the office, but be honest, those of us still teleworking are phoning it in from the waist down.
Vaccine distribution problems are solved when the CDC links up with Domino’s to deliver a shot with your pizza in 30 minutes or less.
I still think this idea works. If we can get pizza to people in 30 minutes, we can vaccinate in that same amount of time. Why isn’t the CDC teaming up with Door Dash? There must be an app developer out there thinking this…
So, although I definitely fall in the same bin with all other psychics in that my predictions are almost entirely incorrect, with the help of my stand-up comedian wife, I’ll take another run at the whole psychic prediction thing. Who knows? If I make a bunch of wild predictions and one comes true I’ll play that single prediction for all it is worth, taking advantage of the Jean Dixon effect.
Without further ado, here are my psychic predictions for 2022:
The WHO will run out of Greek letters for COVID-19 variants and opt to use internet voting to decide new names. As a result, the first new mutation to arise will be called “COVID-McCoronaface.”
Dr. Oz wins his bid for congress and immediately begins drafting bills that promise instant miracle cures that will melt away the national debt and fix climate change while you sleep. Eventually he will be caught in a pay-to-play scandal involving an up and coming startup: Q-AMom.
After the internet voting for varient names goes horribly awry the WHO names new varients after celebrities who made the pandemic worse. They start with Paltrow-19, but the real controversy starts when a varient is named “X AE A-12.” After which everyone agrees to leave kids out of it.
Homeopaths will market a new COVID-19 treatment: the water a bat was soaked in. It’s $400 a bottle. You can get it from Goop.
The Webb telescope will see so far back in time that the very beginning of the universe is revealed: a lab janitor pushing a button labeled “Random Universe Generator: DO NOT PUSH.”
After two years of pandemic induced ADHD tik tok users declare that 30 seconds is too long and video times fall to 10 seconds.
In an effort to market booster shots the CDC rebrands the vaccine “second helpings.”
And so it is written! Have a safe and skeptical 2022.
Would you like to teach your kids critical thinking skills? Get them started early with the Beyond Belief book series. Each book is a fun paranormal mystery that is solved using the sharp critical thinking skills of Kenai, a child prodigy in critical thinking and psychological biases. Check out this sample from the first book in the series…