CLAIRVOYANT, n. A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to her patron — namely, that he is a blockhead.The Devil’s Dictionary
I’m not a big believer in New Year’s Resolutions. I’m good at making them, but not at keeping them. I still have the quarantine fifteen and I know it isn’t going anywhere. And I know I probably won’t start doing yoga, even though it would be great for me. Why bother making resolutions I won’t keep when I can just skip to the best part and not keep them now?
That is why this year I’m going to try my hand at psychic predictions instead. I figure I have a better shot at fulfilling at least one.
Just to be crystal clear to those who haven’t looked at anything else on this site, psychics are not real. And their predictions, when they are concrete enough to be measured, are statistically no different than chance. Before you go and point out that-one-time-that-one-psychic-got-that-one-thing-right, stop and think about how many predictions psychics make. With thousand of psychics making thousands of predictions daily, there will be a random positive result somewhere sometime. And for those psychics who are predatory schemers looking to make a buck, like the infamous Jean Dixon, they will promote that one positive result so often and so loudly that it will drown out the mountain of wrong predictions. In fact, mathematician John Allen Paulos has coined this approach to cherry picking data “The Jean Dixon Effect.” But I think that most psychics are well-meaning people who have accidently learned to make the kinds of predictions that are perfect for the Forer Effect. Lest we forget, here were some of the psychic predictions that were made for 2020:
Oprah will run in 2020 with Michelle Obama as her running mate. Psychic Nikki
Sell your shares in FaceBook, because it will crash. Psychic Rose Smith
Trump won’t run for a second term. Susan Miller
The world will end in 2020. Jean Dixon
So in that very same spirit, here are my predictions for 2021:
Goop will release a COVID themed candle. It will be unscented (predicted with the help of my wife, a standup comedian).
A new-age apparel company will take over the yoga pants market: Q-AMom.
Post-quarantine business wear will be a jacket and tie with sweatpants.
As a thank you, Marvel will add two new superheroes to their next movie: “Moderna” and “Pfizer.”
Anti-maskers disappear when a company called Snack n’Mask invents an N95 feedbag.
Vaccine distribution problems are solved when the CDC links up with Domino’s to deliver a shot with your pizza in 30 minutes or less.
And so it is written! These will certainly come to pass. Do you have any predictions for 2021? If so, leave them in the comments.